Molly McGrath Tierney

February 2013

It is no secret that our caseload is changing. It’s getting smaller and it’s also getting older. More than 40% of children in foster care in Baltimore City aren’t actually children at all. They’re adults ages 18 to 21.

There are some important things to know about these young adults. They did not arrive yesterday. Many of them came into foster care as young children and have spent their entire life here. Some, never in a family. Now in their teen years, they are testing out their independence. This testing is developmentally appropriate and incredibly hard to be around. It is sometimes rude, and frustrating, and loud and just plain difficult – just like in regular families.

I am sensitive to how challenging it can be to work with youth who are “testing”. Recently I have begun to hear proposals and references to the use of Tough Love with young adults in foster care. I thought a review of that reference might be helpful to us all.

From Wikipedia:

Tough love is an expression used when someone treats another person harshly     or sternly with the intent to help them in the long run. The phrase was evidently  coined by Bill Milliken when he wrote the book Tough Love in 1968 and has been  used by numerous authors since then.

 In most uses, there must be some actual love or feeling of affection behind the harsh or stern treatment to be defined as tough love. For example, genuinely concerned parents refusing to support their drug–addicted child financially until he or she enters drug rehabilitation would be said to be practicing tough love. Athletic coaches who maintain strict rules and highly demanding training regimens, but who care about their players, could also be said to be practicing tough love.

I read between the lines to understand that Tough Love can work — but not if it’s the first kind of love a youth experiences. Tough Love, in order to be successful, has to be preceded by Real Love. The only reason Tough Love would get someone’s attention is when they understood it as a very difficult, heart wrenching act designed to ensure their well being. Tough Love used out of frustration or irritation will have the opposite of the desired effect.

To be clear: Real Love is not the opposite of Tough Love. Real Love is not a push over. It does not yield at every demand or cower at every request. It is, as I recall, patient and kind. It invests in someone’s success and conveys care and concern at every opportunity. It helps someone learn to think for themselves, make good decisions on their own behalf, and become all that they can be. Real Love comes first. Real love begets Real Love.

It seems to me our young adults have been under-served in the Real Love department. It may well be the case that some of our youth need Tough Love. I propose we earn the right to use it.