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Browsing Tag: Race
I am white. Over the course of my 30 year career I have spent most of my time in the company of black people. Some years I was the only white person I saw every day. This was not by intention. More just the happenstance of a career in urban child welfare. I don’t recall ever feeling uncomfortable, unwelcome or afraid. I made life-long friends — the go-to kind who are at the top of the call list when I need help in the middle of the night.
This experience got me to telling myself that, on the spectrum of white-ness, I am a more than average race conscious person. As I stepped into leadership roles in social services, I did so in a race conscious way. I built racially diverse teams of world class individuals — teams I would have put up against any team in the country. I redistributed the power I had to the families we served — putting them in the position of decision-maker about their own lives. I drew my weapons and did vicious battle with institutional racism every time it had the gall to rear its ugly head.
And then: Delilah. As I grooved into being Her mom I came to understand that my experience of race up to then, while heart-felt and sincere, was informed but…intellectual at best.
And then an itty bitty person who calls me ‘mom’ took me to a primal place I did not know existed. On her behalf, I house a bottomless depth of rage at the gaping racial wound in our country and I double-dog-dared it to make itself known in her life. At every interaction with the world I rule out race as an issue issue before I lay my weapons down.
About the time George Floyd was murdered my daughter graduated from elementary school. In replacement of rite-of-passage activities, her principal put together a slide show involving pictures of kids from the lower school. A member of my extended family saw the production and asked if Delilah had been in it. You see, this family member said, its hard to tell black children apart.
I confess I have been stunned since then. If a member of her own family cannot see her as anything other than undifferentiated in a wash of color, what will the police see? They will see exactly what they saw when they pulled George Floyd from his car. And then they will act. I am now terrorized but this question: how the hell am I supposed to keep my kid alive?
The challenge of preparing my child to be Black in America is the right one. But it separates us in a way that scares me for her. I am, first and foremost, her mom. That means She and I are bound up irrevocably. It is what She needs. I am now also the white woman teaching her about being Black in America. That causes us to separate. While I can give her the lesson, I cannot join her for the journey.
She is alone in this in our house. We both are.
April 2016
A friend (white, educated, kind and fabulous) came for dinner last night. She was timid (albeit brave) in raising the concern she has: upon hearing “Black Lives Matter” she thought there might now be a norm where it is not ok for her to say “All Lives Matter”. I shared with her my sense that she might be taking the first phrase too literally. What those behind it might mean to say is that black lives have not mattered nearly so much as white lives over the course of the history of our country and that its time that they do matter. I offered the standard set of evidence often provided in these conversations: overrepresentation in public systems like prison, foster care,and special education by people of color, the growing sets of data that glaringly suggests opportunity is doled out based on race and zip code, the demographic fact that the quality of housing and educational opportunities falls along racial lines, the array of systems that are structured to protect wealth and power for white people.
After my predictable comments came the predictable response from my friend: “but I didn’t do any of that. Its not my fault.” I assured her she was correct and added that it was also no less true that the beneficiaries of white privilege have an awesome responsibility to disrupt the current set up.
I awoke with the sense that I had not gained any ground with my friend. It occurred to me that “Black Lives Matter” and “All Lives Matter” are misleading insofar as they suggest that the two comments are in the same conversation. “All Lives Matter” is clearly the voice of white privilege. It comes from “I”. Its the very “I” that blinds those of us with white privilege to its origins and pathways. This “I” suggests that my success was available to everyone and “I”, by myself, just did what “I’” needed to do. Others who did not enjoy the same outcomes just made other choices. This furthermore confirms that “I” have no connection to, impact on, responsibility for any others who might not have faired so well. When it is suggested that I do, the “I” retreats further into itself as a protective and defensive measure, only subconsciously aware that straying from the “I” success story is a risky proposition.
“Black Lives Matter” conversely, comes from “we”. It suggests “we” are interdependent and all in this together and that some of us doing well while others are struggling is an ill fated path that is doing damage to all of us. For some this path has been perilous. The moral outrage that this could go on for so long without notice and corrective action is now aptly placed in public arena.
I think the “I” of All Lives Matter is inadvertently taking over the “we” of Black Lives Matter in conversation. When both show up at the same time, All overshadows Black, pushing the Black Lives Matter conversation away as if to say “we get it and now its ok”. The responsibility for splitting this two conversations rests with the “I” of White Privilege. It will mean brutal self reflection on the benefits the “I” has enjoyed even if it means pangs of guilt for having done so well for so long just by luck of the parents to whom we are born. It will require the courage to admit we rest in avoidance to avoid our fear that giving up the current structure might negatively affect me. It will mean sitting on your hands and listening deeply to substance of the Black Lives Matters conversation.
Allowing All to overtake the Black conversation smacks of a modern method White Privilege use to divert a challenging conversation about race — one our country desperately needs to have. Disaggregating All and Black into the two very separate conversations might just get us started.
